Apologies and Truth

First, since i'm not a Facebook-er, I wanted to put out there how very grateful I am to everyone. To my friends. To my family. I have received flowers, cards, treats, a dinner offer, a family time kit and countless texts and emails. I cannot express how much I appreciate your kindness.  Nate said to me the other night, 'you have really nice friends'. He's right. Only, nice is an understatement. I'm grateful to all of you, I really, truly am. So, thank you for extending a hand during this hard time.

Now for the apology.  I'm sorry for not being here or answering the door when things have been dropped off. I have to admit, I have been avoiding people a bit. The truth is, I am having a really hard time being ok with talking about what's happened. I understand that people deal with things differently but for me, this has been one of the hardest situations of my life.  For many reasons. So, I deeply apologize for not being 'around' or being available to talk to. I am so grateful for all your efforts, I really am. It really means the world to me.

This morning was the long awaited surgery. To prepare, I had to get blood drawn in preparation for a Rhogam shot yesterday afternoon. The hard thing about this was the nice person registering me asked my due date, then congratulated me on being pregnant. I have to just hold it all back or i'll lose it.  Then, they sent me to 'mother and baby' and 'labor and delivery' to make the appointment to come back in a couple hours for the shot. REALLY? It was brutal walking through the very area that I was anticipating visiting in December with a new sweet baby. Then, I had to go back a couple hours later after they prepared my shot only this time, the girls had to go with me. They have been through so much this week and I am very grateful for what troopers they are. They put us in a DELIVERY room to await the shot. The girls were very curious of course, so I had to explain everything to them that was in the room. OH MY! At one point, it was quiet and then sweet Hailey said to me "mom, I'm sorry your baby died. I'm sad too."  It took EVERYTHING in my power to look at her and smile instead of cry my eyes out AGAIN.

 Back to this morning, everything went well physically and due to an amazing doctor, I am recovering very well. Nate was kind enough to take the day off today and take the girls away from the house for the day so I could rest as much as possible.  I know that if I sleep all day, I will struggle to sleep tonight, hence the blog entry. :-) 

I felt I needed to add to my journal some emotions and thoughts that have occurred since the news. The more I think about what happened, the more sad I get.  It hit me again last night when I was getting ready for bed and Nate offered to give me a blessing. I quickly accepted and cried my eyes out the entire time.  It was a sweet blessing of comfort and it made me so grateful for a husband who holds and honors the priesthood. What would I do without him?.  He's my best friend.  For that, is the reason I was able to express to him how I was feeling last night.

With this loss, it was a shock. Unexpected. 

I finally verbalized what I had been feeling all week and that is that 

I wasn't ready to let go.  I wasn't ready to move on from this baby. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

After years of trying and failing, we were absolutely ECSTATIC! We have felt for so long that this was our priority in life right now. THIS is what we were SUPPOSE to do. We had someone waiting to join our family and we REALLY felt so so strongly about this.  I got extremely attached the minute I saw that tiny heart beating. The last pregnancy, there was no life to get attached to.  I loved going to the baby section at stores with the girls to imagine what things we might need to look forward to providing for this sweet baby.

Seeing that ultrasound and seeing absolute stillness, no beat, no color to the vitals was pure sadness and disappointment.  I still don't understand and maybe I never will but what I do know is Heavenly Father has a plan. I know that I need to be strong for my girls. They deserve that.  The good news is that I have been. Heavenly Father has given me the strength to at least be happy and strong and optimistic around them. But in truth, I hurt. A lot. 

Now that the D&C is over, I feel it even more.  I really wasn't ready to let go, but I had no choice and that pretty much sucks.  My hope is that now that it's over, I can recover quickly and move forward, not necessarily move on, but forward. Step by step. 

So, for those of you wanting to know how things are going or how i'm feeling, I apologize for not being able to express to you in person, but here it is.

I am so grateful for the people in my life who care so much about me and my family. You all are truly angels. Nate and I really appreciate everything and we WILL be OK. In time, but we WILL definitely be OK.