Just Sucks.

I have a few things I need to catch up on with posting, but those things will have to wait for now. I'll get to them, sometime. Tonight, I need to share a bit of my feelings in my journal about today.  Today was a really hard day.

I had a doctor's appointment. My 12 week appointment. I was really excited and even took the girls so they could hear the heartbeat.  A really exciting and fun idea turned really bad when the doctor did an ultrasound (my last one with him as my doctor) and found that the heartbeat was gone and the baby's lungs were collapsed.  The baby was starting to fold in and the doctor said that my baby had died.  After taking measurements, it was obvious it happened sometime in the last week or so and he informed me there was nothing I could do to have prevented it. I guess it's time to change my header picture again. Ugh.

Now, I have the best doctor. He was SO sad and genuine for the loss. He's been with us through the process of losing Addy's twin, to miscarrying the last pregnancy two years ago, to infertility issues for two years, to finally being excited about a strong pregnancy. He's been amazing. I am grateful to have found him. He ordered quite a few blood tests so he could try and figure out what went wrong this time. He also got me scheduled for a D&C on Friday since my body doesn't know how to miscarry on it's own, unless it's a twin. By the way, since I haven't documented this either, this originally was a twin pregnancy as well. I don't know what it is with me and getting pregnant with twins but never delivering twins. Weird. We talked for a while and he expressed a lot of sadness and remorse for me before leaving the room. The entire time, I was doing everything in my power to not break down.

Then I look over at the girls sitting there and my heart just broke. They had to sit and endure this horrible appointment with me. Seriously? I couldn't believe what had just happened and I kept it together. I felt so bad they were there. Note to self.. NEVER will I do that again. Once we got in the car, we decided to go get ice cream. Then ran a couple errands. I was trying to get back to normal for their sake.

I texted Nate, knowing I couldn't talk on the phone.  He never texted back. A few hours went by and I was wondering why he hadn't called or texted back so I texted him again and his response was "i'm on my way home". He didn't get the first text apparently. I went home and my mother in law was there waiting for me. Even though I didn't want to see anyone at all today, I really was grateful she was there. For the first time, I lost it. Then Nate got home, and I lost it again. He and I both just sat there feeling so sad and shocked. 

 Then, we went to his softball games. I felt like the girls needed to do something fun so we went and I asked the girls to not talk about it at the game and they were TROOPERS. They didn't say one word. Hailey asked if she could tell her 'friend' who was a random girl I've never seen before but I told her no and she was fine with that.  Then, I got home, put the girls to bed, Nate went out with his buddies for dinner and I just cried and cried and cried till my eyes hurt so bad that I couldn't keep them open. 

This just sucks. Everyone has their sadness and their loss. This is mine today and it just sucks.  I'm pretty bitter and extremely sad and VERY frustrated.  At least with my last miscarriage I had known early on that it was headed in that direction and it was just a waiting game. A very frustrating waiting game, but we knew what we were in for. With this, it was a complete shock. Everything was GREAT for the entire first trimester. 

On the flip side. I am VERY grateful for my two sweet daughters we have been blessed with and i'm very grateful it happened now and not later when it's even worse. Still, it's devastating. 

I needed to write this, not to complain or to bring sadness but because I wanted to remember this day. I wanted to remember how I felt. I wanted to remember those moments in the doctors office when I heard those words. Not because I wanted a downer, but because it's life and it's an important day to us. So, I apologize to anyone reading this. We are good. We are fine. Just a little sad, but we'll survive. Phew. Ok, i'm done and ready for bed. It's been a long day.