Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Letting it all out...

Hi ya'll! I'm back.

This year, I promised myself I was going to work on being a little more honest. Not that i'm a liar. I just have felt the need to grow up a little and stop being so much of a people pleaser and speak my mind a little more. This also includes being a little more open. So, here it goes.

I have a problem. A BIG problem. I need some help from you, my friends and family. This is an issue I have been working on for a few years and still don't have many answers.

When I was a toddler, I had a reoccurring dream. It lasted about 2 years and as frequent as about 3-5 times a week. I remember it well. I was kidnapped, sitting in a red booth, waiting for my family to come be with me. In walks this man, sits down in the booth and the next thing I know, he has me tied up and stuffing me in his car. This is the point at which I would wake up crying and scared. As a little girl, I couldn't do anything by myself without someone in the room with me. Obviously, I have grown out of that... mostly. I still have moments, for instance, I don't really like to go to bed alone.

Night-time, as in 'the middle' of the night doesn't set well with me. We don't get along. Now, having said that, we all know that with kids, night time can be the most trying time of the day. Since Hailey wakes up often at night now, every time I hear her door open, I get knots in my stomach and I feel like i'm going to throw up, that's how much anxiety creeps into my little brain.

Along with this, I have anxiety about leaving my kids... especially at night. Nate thinks it all has something to do with my dream as a child and just having so much anxiety wrapped up in my little world. So, about leaving my kids. I would LOVE to go on more dates with Nate. I can't. I have way too much anxiety about leaving my kids at bedtime. I have a really hard time letting anyone put them to bed besides me. Again, something to do with the whole 'protective night-time' thing. Because of this, I have only been away from them maybe twice at bed-time and once overnight
(which almost killed me, by the way). 3 YEARS people.

I'm at a point where I HATE to travel. Let me re-phrase this. I WANT to travel, but I have WAY too much anxiety about it and being out of my comfort zone and away from my house and their beds is terrifying!!!!!!! They sleep in seperate rooms and hotels just don't cut it. Other people's houses make me nervous with my kids because of this issue and I freak out even thinking about night time wake ups at someone elses house. Ugh.

I need to fix this. And as much as I've worked on it, I can't seem to curve the anxiety and just let things be.

This is where you come in. I need ideas. Anyone out there who struggles with the same level of craziness? Psycological Mess? What works for you?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

My Dancing Monkey

Two posts in one week! I can't even handle it.

Today was Hailey's first day at dance class. Such a cute class. She goes once a week for an hour and it's a combo class including Tap, Ballet, Tumbling and Jazz. She had NO idea what was going on, but she LOVED it. She has been so excited all week since we got her tap and ballet shoes and today was the big day.

She had so much fun and surprisingly did quite well for it being her first time. She still hasn't stopped talking about it and can't wait for next week.

the videos are a little fuzzy. I was trying to figure out the video on my new spiffy camera. Obviously I have a lot to learn! :-) Enjoy.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

BUSY Sunday

I thought Sundays were suppose to be a day of rest. No? Nate and I were having this very conversation on the way to family dinner tonight. It seems that it's suppose to be a day to relax, ponder, pray, have some quiet time, etc. I'm not sure of a Sunday where that's happened in a LONG time. Between Nate's callings and mine, it seems Sundays are quite busy for us. Well, today was no different. In fact, today was intense.

First, Hailey graduated Nursery!
I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I had really mixed emotions today. I can't believe she has grown up so fast. K, I can't keep writing about her growing up.. I can already feel the tears swell. So, instead i'll tell you how cool her graduation was. At 1:50 this afternoon, we were to meet upstairs by the Primary room where they had the graduation set up. The cutest thing ever. They even were presented with little graduation hats and certificates. Followed by refreshments (apples and oranges). So cute. (please excuse the awful pictures.cell phone.)

In between all this, we had to figure out what to do with Addy because she goes down RELIGIOUSLY around 12-12:30 every day for a nap. It's BAD news when this doesn't happen. Well, lucky for us (insert sarcasm here) our ward STARTS at 11:30. BAD IDEA.
So, that was interesting.

This brings us to the conversation in the car on the way to family dinner (great dinner, by the way). We're eating when all of a sudden, Addy starts crying. The 'i'm trying to be strong, but this really hurts' cry. It was so sad. She hands her hand to Nate and he gasps saying she needs stitches. So, we dropped everything and left dinner immediately to head to the insta-care nearby. Indeed, she needed stitches. 6 to be exact, on her tiny little hand inbetween two fingers. It was pretty sick. Even Nate has had an upset stomach all night from seeing the tendons and muscle down in her little finger. Don't tell him I said this (thank goodness he never reads my blog) but when he and Addy came out of the room at the insta-care, he was crying. She wasn't! HA! She was a little trooper. Numbing gell and 4 shots later, the stitches went in and in a week or so, she has to go back to have them removed. Till then, no baths and we have to keep her hand wrapped up. Ugh. Those of you with busy little 18 month olds who love baths know this will not be an easy week. I'm sure we'll survive.. we have at this point with at least 5 visits to the hospital this year!!! Or last year, I guess. Well, we're not off to a very good start in 2010. Hopefully it only gets better from here.

At this point, i'm really frustrated. I'll be honest. Afterall, this IS my blog and somewhat a journal.. i'm allowed to be honest.

I didn't sign up for all this hospital stuff when I became a mother. I feel like since day one of finding out I was pregnant, I have ended up in the hospital with a fetus or an infant or toddler WAY too many times. Frankly, i'm tired. I'm sick of dealing with this rollercoaster of emotions that send me into panic and anxiety for my little ones. I'm so done. Done with those painful cries that I can't bear to hear anymore. Done with running off to the ER or insta-care every few months. Done.